Things are looking up. We are looking forward. Forward to feeling better. Feeling "normal". Yesterday I made a cake to celebrate feeling like making a cake. This post is a bit personal, and I've debated internally wether or not I should write it. I tend to try to keep very personal things off this blog, but this is after all my blog, my journey, and I think maybe it will be therapy for me to come clean about what I've been going through. The past year has been a hard one for me. I have not felt well since last summer. I had a nasty flare up of epstein barr virus which meant days, weeks, months where I was too wiped out to be of much use to any one. The little bit of energy I did have I tried to give to the kids homeschool and taking Audrey to Awana and 4-H when I could. I also began experiencing pain last August which never went away and got worse over time. When I went to my doctor last fall she thought it was enlarged lymph nodes from the epstein barr, but it turns out I had a hernia the whole time, which was pressing on a large nerve and causing the pain. Last month the pain got so bad I went back to the doctor and they told me I had a hernia. I saw a surgeon and three days later I had surgery. It was much harder to recover than I imagined. They cut through my old c-section incisions and it has been a tough recovery. I have nerve damage from the pressure of the hernia, and also from the surgery when they had to move the nerve to get to the hernia. The doctor said it may take up to another year for that pain to go away. In January when Strauss broke his leg I was just starting to come out of the epstein barr flare up. The five weeks he spent in the body cast and the three weeks after when he couldn't yet walk meant more time stuck here at home. Not well. I kept promising the kids as soon as he was better we would get out of this house and go to the zoo, aquarium, to the local burger joint and to see friends. Even going to the grocery store or Target would have been a treat. We had lots of plans. And then I was in such bad shape we couldn't go. I feel like we haven't been able to "live". It has been a hard year, painful, lonely and isolated more often than not. Many days I felt like life was passing me by. I wanted to get out of the house and go somewhere, anywhere, but the simplest of things like making the kids lunch or getting showered and dressed were enough to wipe me out. Our lives were turned upside down. Many times I have been too sick to do my normal things, like make dinner, clean my home and play with my children. My husband has worked over-time, doing most of my normal duties and my children have learned to play without my participation. They have been troopers. Their constant creative play has been my delight, always entertaining me with their imaginitive minds. I know every one has trials and periods where things in their life don't go as they hoped. This has been my first real trial since having children. There was a time in high school and shortly after I was married where I experienced not feeling well and went through the feelings of missing out on life. But this time has been different because this time I am a mother, a mother not able to be the mother, wife and person I wanted to be. I would say that I am an unpatient person, and through this experience God has taught me to be patient. I couldn't control what happened to my body physically, or to my son's body either. No matter how healthy I wanted us to be it just wasn't going to happen immediately. But God does heal us and I am hopeful that we are on the home stretch now. Strauss is thriving, healed from a nasty break. A stronger version of himself. My surgery fixed the hernia, the nerve damage will eventually diminish, the epstein barr will always be there but hopefully I will be better at managing it and not letting myself get to the point where I was. So I hope this explains my absence this past year on my blog. I had to use what energy I did have for my family, I just haven't had the energy to sit at the computer and tell you what I've been up to. And I really haven't been up to much. My mom and I did two vintage shows recently. I wasn't able to help her prepare as much as I wanted to, she did more than her share of the work. But the shows were great, my husband was really helpful to us in helping us set up and take down the booths. My spirit was lifted to feel a little bit of normal returning to our lives. I don't know what God has in store, it seems every time I have hoped to get back to "normal" this past year something new has come our way. But I continue to hope that this period is passing and a new period of feeling better is arriving. So there you have it. That is what I have been going through, what I hope to be through with. I am looking forward to making dinner again, to leaving the house again, to playing with my children more, to making healthy choices to support a healthier family, to trying my best to find joy in each day. The good ones and the not so good ones. Through weakness God has given me strength. He has taught me that I am to depend on him. My body will fail. Although I am fearfully and wonderfully made, my body will at times, and ultimately in death, fail. I can not put my faith in myself. He has shown me my weakness and in it I found Him. I hope for continued healing. It is what I want most. But healed or not I can turn to God and thank him for the blessings in my life. For the quiet time he gave me with my children this year. One day our lives will be full and busy again and I will think back to this time and I don't think I will remember being sick, I think I will remember the quiet year I had at home with my children.
Second Corinthians 2:12 9-10 says, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak then I am strong."
I do not feel as Paul did when he said he delighted in weakness, but at least I have come to accept it. As often happens in life, I am reminded of something I heard as a child, a simple song learned and forever a part of me. "I am weak but he is strong". And yes, He loves me. And He loves you too. Now that I wrote this post I do feel a bit better, I put it all out there. Good or bad it is done and I can move on. Thank you for understanding. ~Kim
